I leave for London a week from tomorrow and it dawned on me over the weekend that I'm not going to have anything to wear while I'm gone. That's something that I say all the time, "Wahhh, I don't have anything to weeeaaarrrr!" but usually there's at least something in my closet I can throw on — a pair of jeans and a shirt; a dress and some boots, whatever. But right now, I really mean it. In about 10 days, I'm going to be too big for my regular clothes and not quite big enough for maternity clothes and I really will have nothing to wear. I'll be gone for two weeks, too (10 days in London and four days in Paris) and that's a long time to be nekkid.
So, yesterday I went on a shopping spree. Or, I mean, I tried to go on a shopping spree. I saw online that Anthropologie has a bunch of loose blousey tops for sale this season — perfect for disguising a pudgey belly that looks more burger-filled than baby-filled — so I headed there first. They did have a lot of super over-priced blousey tops and even if I were willing to splurge on one or two of them, they were all so ugly, I couldn't even entertain the thought for the fun of it. You guys, seriously. Check it out. They should call it the Mrs. Roper collection. As for their dresses, I can see someone made use of the tablecloth I donated to charity last year after my cats shredded half of it...
After I left Anthropologie empy-handed, I headed to JCrew, where I took one quick peek at the price tag for this, and quickly turned on my heels and headed out. Next up: Esprit, which I loved as a teenager and which drew me back in yesterday with their promise of a store-wide 50% off sale. I tried on three pink shirts, thinking, I don't know, pink would make me feel more maternal or something, which is a really dumb thing to have in mind when you're shopping. I mean, they don't call 'em "mom jeans" cause they're flattering. Needless to say, the pink shirts were a miss.
Next I went to Zara, a store that seems to be in the middle of a major identity crisis. Is it a safari supply store or a one-stop-shop for all your raver needs? Also, I guess the Mrs. Roper look is just a thing this year. Anyway, I did manage to find one really cute top that I thought would be perfect as a transtional piece before I'm ready for full-on maternity wear. But then I got it to the dressing room and realized it wasn't a top at all; it was a romper! A romper!! I don't care if you're pregnant or not, the last thing a 140 pound woman — or any woman bigger than a size 2 and older than 20 8 — needs to be wearing is a short floral romper.
For my next stop, I decided to head to a store that actually has a real maternity section: Forever 21. To be honest, I wasn't even sure if they truly had a maternity section or if that was just an urban myth. And, having now visited Forever 21 for the sole purpose of finding maternity tops, I'm still not sure whether they really have a maternity section or just clever marketing. I did find a few "pregnant mannequins" but there was no sign that indicated a maternity section and the tags on the clothes had regular sizing, not maternity sizing. So, color me confused. Anyhow, I'll save you the suspense and tell you I didn't buy anything at Forever 21, though I did walk out feeling a whole lot better about the 50% possibility that I'm carrying a little boy, so that's something.
You'd think if nowhere else, a lady with a bloated belly would have some luck in a shoe store, but my visit to DSW was just as depressing as all the others. And it wasn't even the shoes' fault. It was the people. All the thousands of people crammed in that little, over-heated space with the music blaring and the flourscent lights burning holes in us, and the boxes all over the floor and the lines that wound around the aisles. I couldn't even bring myself to try anything on. It was all I could do to get myself out of there before I either barfed all over myself or started throwing high-heeled pumps at random people across the store in a fit of madness.
In the end, I bought eight new pairs of underwear at Filenes Basement. The cashier had some sort of problem with her register and I ended up paying four dollars for each pair instead of $5.99. I figured it was the shopping karma gods trying to make things up to me just a little bit. Next time, I'll take one really great, flattering, well-fitting dress for under 50 bucks, please.